If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, you may find yourself wondering: do they know what they’re doing? The truth is more complicated than a simple yes or no.

On the surface, narcissistic parents seem very aware. They keep score, guilt‑trip you and remind you of how much they’ve “sacrificed.” They know exactly which words or looks will trigger you because that reaction is their supply. They might even appear to enjoy your discomfort. This level of control can make it feel like everything is intentional.

But dig a little deeper and you’ll find there is no solid “self” behind the mask. Narcissism is a serious personality disorder. People who meet the clinical criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder have built a grandiose false self to protect them from deep feelings of shame. As a result, they aren’t truly aware of who they are or how they affect others. Many don’t recognise their condition and have no desire to change; they’re convinced you’re the problem. Even if a therapist could help, most refuse that help because they don’t believe they need it. They are deeply damaged, and their inner emptiness fuels the endless need for attention and control.

This doesn’t excuse their behaviour. Narcissistic parents still choose to manipulate, gaslight and withhold love. They decide to spread gossip, undermine your decisions and compete with you because it feeds their ego. But expecting them to wake up one day and realise the harm they’ve done is unrealistic. They will almost always blame you rather than look inward.

Focusing on whether a narcissist is self‑aware keeps you stuck in their cycle. Instead, turn your attention to yourself.  Work with a therapist to untangle the conditioned thoughts and behaviours that kept you in their orbit. Set boundaries and hold to them without guilt. Awareness is key: not their awareness of their behaviour, but your awareness of your own needs and rights.