When you grow up with a narcissistic mother, your feelings often get tangled with her demands. Guilt and shame are tools to control you. But are those feelings even yours? One way to find out is to pause and ask yourself if what you’re feeling makes sense. For example, you might decide not to attend a family gathering and immediately feel crushing guilt. But why should an adult feel guilty for choosing how to spend their time?

False feelings are triggered by old patterns rather than by reality. They keep you stuck because they make you believe you’re hurting someone simply by taking care of yourself. The next time you feel guilty or ashamed, ask yourself: "Does this reaction match the situation, or is it leftover programming from years of manipulation?"

Sorting through these emotions isn’t easy. Working with a therapist can help you separate real feelings from those imposed by a toxic relationship. My book Narcissistic Mothers helps you reconnect with your true emotions so you can get more out of your healing process.